Oct. 13 ’16 – Reflection on Grief

[Linda, my older sister, died of cancer in early October, about 2 weeks before her 50th birthday and 3 weeks before my own birthday, in 2013.  Concurrently, I realized that someone I cared about was a “fair-weather only” friend (Male B), after they ghosted from my life the same week she passed away.]

I missed Linda terribly, and I also thought a lot about (Male B) today, which made me cry over, or rather into, my lunch- although it didn’t stop me from eating.  I just talked to myself as I ate, with tears rolling down my cheeks non-stop, like a crazy person, but I wasn’t sobbing or crying- just the tears, coming unbidden, like the words pouring forth.  I think this is the anniversary of Linda’s memorial, or close enough, and that was a horrible time 3 years ago.  I watched myself without stopping the process or judging myself.  What was to be done?  I’m amongst strangers- what do I care if I am strange?  Letting things just be, letting the tears pour quietly forth and the words come out, a new thought about Male B arose.  I know that it takes two to tango, and I know that the ghosting was in response to my behaviour-

I needed to be taken care of by someone, and I was all alone.  I had just lost someone who had taken care of me since I was a kid- I lost my big sister who looked out for me and tried to help me in any way she could all her life.  That I reached out to Male B for that care may not have been “right”, but the desire itself was not wrong.  How I reached out may not have been “correct” because I was in shock, so how I asked and what I asked for was incongruous with the desire and the circumstances- but that wasn’t wrong either.

I wasn’t able to see what I was asking for, I wasn’t able to understand what I needed.  My mind jury-rigged a context, but it wasn’t the context.  I just needed somoene to take care of me, and I was alone at the time, sitting in an empty apartment- my sister’s empty apartment- all alone.  It was probably because I was all alone at the time that my mind was so disconnected from the root of the emotion. It was trying to protect me from being overwhelmed while there was no one there to support me.

Nothing that I did was wrong. Nothing that I have felt subsequently was wrong, and nothing that Male B did was technically wrong either.  Put into an impossible position, what can one do but flee? Understandable and forgivable.  Two poor humans caught up in overwhelming circumstances.  There was no sin.