2200- First night in McLeod Ganj
I just woke up from one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. My sister who passed away, and another woman (who?) were literally screaming at me in fury for doing this trip- accusing me of totally forgetting about my “baby”, demanding I pay them back the money willed to me by I don’t even know who, telling me to give up on going back to university ever because of squandering my money on this trip- it got down to the other woman in the dream running at me to attack me.
Well, I don’t have a baby I’m neglecting or abandoning, but I’m willing to admit that this trip to India may be the 2nd biggest financial mistake of my life. It was awful, though, so much fear, sadness and anger to think that I’m such a terrible fuck-up to my sister. I did travel on her death day, though. I need to go to the temple or at least the shrine to honour her… I’m also reminded of how when Buddha himself sat and intended to sit until he became enlightened, demons visited him and attempted to tempt him away from his sitting. Sure I’m deeply flawed, superficial, irresponsible and selfish- but I’m also already here in India. There is no going back without going through.